Humour

From the Archives: A Stress-Free Way To Pay Bills And Get Instant Cash!

In my meandering (I call it meandering, some call it procrastination) through the overlord Google, I came across my old blog on the supreme entity Google’s blogspot. While I continue plodding away on a short story that is causing me to question everything I thought I was, please enjoy this timeless entry. Note the 2012 date. Yours, cb

Friday, November 23, 2012

A Stress-Free Way To Pay Bills And Get Instant Cash!

I still anticipate the arrival of daily mail. Not the electronic kind, but the kind where a guy in uniform walks up to your house and drops letters off in a thing called a mailbox. Some mailboxes are attached to the exterior of a house, some houses have slots in their doors for letters to be inserted, and in apartment buildings, residents have little individual mail slots or boxes where they collect mail. Mail. Coming home to mail. Maybe a postcard from a friend vacationing in the Swiss Alps, or a card acknowledging a milestone or a holiday.  Mail. From Canada Post!

Ah, the romance.

Today I received this gem from my credit union.

Dear Carolyn,

Imagine you have $511.28 in your chequing account.

Now imagine writing a cheque for $1000 … $1500 … or even $5000 without any concern that it will “bounce”. This is the straightforward, honest benefit of having an Advantage Line Of Credit.

By using your Advantage Line Of Credit, you increase the balance in your chequing account so you can pay unexpected bills …cover vacation expenses …or other occasional blips in your cash flow … (I stopped reading after this).

Now, I could be wrong, and please correct me if I am, but isn't this sort of marketing and/or economic policy what created the U.S. government calls the “fiscal cliff”. But – how could it be? The benefit of having an Advantage Line Of Credit is straightforward and honest!

I mean, like, hey, I gotta go to Aruba. That’s an occasional blip in my lifestyle.  Fer sure. But my cash flow is trickling. It might be an infection, I dunno. Hey - I’ll write a cheque for $5000 – that should take care of the yuck, like, ya.

Fiscal Cliff: Hey, cheque! I wanna see you bounce! Toss yourself off me!

Cheque: But I can’t bounce. It says so in the direct mail campaign.

Fiscal Cliff: I don’t believe it. Show me! First rule of storytelling – show, don’t tell!

Cheque: Okay, Cliff. Watch me soar muthafecker!

SFX: Weeping and gnashing of teeth.

THIS AD BROUGHT TO YOU BY 

FRIENDLY GUYS BANKRUPTCY TRUSTEES

FRIENDLY GUYS: MAKING IT ALL GO AWAY

And people ask me why I get headaches.

Whoever conceived, wrote and approved the copy for the Advantage Line Of Credit should be forced to take out an Advantage Line Of Credit, rack it up without any enjoyment, and suffer the torment of financial insecurity. And when they cried for mercy, all they’d hear is a ‘blip’ sound.

It’s stuff like this that’s causing the middle class to collapse.

Me, I’m still waiting for a postcard from the Swiss Alps.

Memoir Writing With Carolyn Bennett Writer/Comic

Have you ever wanted to tell your story? CB is holding online workshops to help you discover and give literary shape to your own experience. A hefty dose of humour is encouraged. Eight weeks, eight participants, eight ways to say I love me! Have fun in a safe and inclusive space and explore your creativity and personal narrative. Contact Back Lane Studios for more information on upcoming workshops. Sponsored by the Government of Canada’s New Horizons for Seniors Program.

How to Promote Your Debut Novel Without Money, Social Media, or a Publicist

My debut novel Please Stand By has been on the shelves for a month and a half now. In that time, I am delighted to say that over 200 books have been sold. Some of you might be thinking “that’s pathetic”. Yes, I know Margaret Atwood’s The Testaments sold over a hundred times that amount, but that’s only because she is an enormous success. I would be embarrassed to be that talented.

You may wonder how I’ve managed to sell over 200 books without any publicity. What follows are my ten tips for promoting your debut novel without money, social media posting, or a publicist:

1. Come From a Big Family: My extended family is big, with the mouths to match it. Thank god for catholic guilt. My siblings and their friends have probably snapped up 50% of the books.

2. Cry In Front of Your Audience at Readings: First of all, give readings. Then make sure you cry in front of your audience. Mention having a mysterious illness, or that you are being renovicted.

3. Have Giveaways: This is recommended on Goodreads. Everybody wants something for free. Give some books away. Hand them out at busy street corners, at the laundromat, on the subway. Go table to table in restaurants – compete with the rose sellers.

4. Get on Television: Everyone focuses on social media, but don’t discount good old fashioned television. Stand behind a reporter and wave your book at the camera. Car crashes and murder scenes attract more eyeballs, so get a radio scanner and find a police channel relaying the latest tragedy near you.

5. Be in a Car Crash, or Involved in a Murder: A little extreme, but how far are you willing to go for readers?

6. Go on Tour: There is no need to only do readings in your home town. Hit the road. Cheap means of transportation include boxcars, airplane engines, and bus roofs.

7. Run Naked Through the Streets: A classic attention grabber. Grabber? That’s what he said! ... and promptly got arrested for.

8: Network: This is standard advice, but raise it up a notch. Go to conferences – any conferences. Dental associations, gemmological conventions, toy train shows – those in particular are known for their lonely men. These fellows are likely to buy anything from a woman who pays attention to them.

9: Get Your Book Reviewed: This can be tough, but not impossible. It helps if you have a common name, like Carolyn Bennett, James Patterson, or Stephen King. Blackmail book columnists. Tell them you have compromising photos of them the public may want to see.

And finally:

10: Write something offensive: It has to be offensive enough to attract the attention of all the political spectrum, but not so offensive that it’s delegated to the nutter bin. Lean toward outrageous, rather than putrefying.

Good luck!