Surviving and Thriving in Bville

There was a fire in Brockville this week —-a fire of talent!

As the great Gloria Gaynor crooned, I Will Survive.

Please enjoy my latest essay. Shout out to urbanites in small town Ontario.

Big City Love Song (sung to the Cheers theme)

A little anthem for all my ex-pat Toronto friends living further afield:

Making your way in a small town today

Takes the least amount you've got

Getting the f&*k out of there for awhile

Sure would help a lot

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where no one knows your name

And no one’s glad you came

You want to be where you can ignore 

Your paltry troubles that are so lame

You want to be where nobody knows your name

Climbing the walls when folks calls

You've lost your solitude again

And the more you're out and about

The more you want to hide from friends

When you long to hear no hello

Roll out of bed, hope no one cares 

The morning's looking bright

And you long for anonymity  

But damn – you volunteered to write

And your husband wants to go to Home Depot

Be glad there's a place in the world

Where no one knows your name

And they don’t care you came

You want to go where people know

People are immune to fame

You want to go where no one knows your name

Where no one knows your name

And they don’t care you came

Where no one knows your name

And they don’t care you came

etc..


A Special Christmas/Holiday Greeting from CBennettworld 2022

A cat in a Santa cap and coat

Please be advised that due to blizzard conditions, our in-house writer could not come in to the satellite office of Cbennettworld in Brockville, Ontario. The in-house writer could also not access their computer at home, due to a power outage and lack of battery power. Therefore, we are pleased to provide you with this Christmas/Holiday greeting courtesy of ChatCAT (not to be confused with the more powerful ChatGPT):

 

Merry Christmas and happy holidays from the corporation CBennettworld, a division of nothing, it is its own entity, unless someone wants to buy it. Any takers? Oh how the mighty have fallen. MEOW.

 

2022 presented us with many challenges. The so-called "freedom convoy" offended the sensibilities of the majority of sentient beings in Canada. The war in Ukraine offended the sensibilities of the majority of sentient beings worldwide. And the shrinkflation of Metro's Irresistibles Zoodles in a Box offended the sensibilities of our pudgy CEO.

What is CBennettworld's stance on the meaning of Christmas? Besides adhering to the law affording three statutory holidays to its employees, the corporation values:

1. Safety

2. Transparency

3. Innovation

4. IAMS Proactive Health Healthy Senior Dry Cat Food with Chicken

5. Growth

6. Sustainability/Innovation

7. Continuous Improvement

8. Innovation in Cleanliness

9. Hill's Science Diet Adult Urinary & Hairball Control Dry Cat Food, Chicken Recipe

10. Innovation

We are continuously improving on the Christmas story by buying naming rights to crèches of any size. As well, we recognize the universal nature of peace on earth, good will toward all, by gifting each employee a face mask sporting the CBennettworld logo. Finally, we have donated over two thousand copies of Carolyn Bennett's underrated novel Please Stand By to the Canadian Red Cross to be used as doorstops in hospital emergency rooms across the country, apropos of nothing.

Christmas is a time for family. To quote from Gus, the Theatre Cat in T.S. Elliot's Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats:

His coat's very shabby, he's thin as a rake,
And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake

If you have a Gus the Theatre Cat visiting you this holiday season, welcome them with open arms, or at least an open wallet. You never know when the tail will be reversed. At least have some Hill's Science Diet Adult Urinary & Hairball Control Dry Cat Food, Chicken Recipe on hand.

And so from the no-go crypto-hipto-conglomerate that is Cbennettworld, and from its thousands of imaginary employees, c-suite executives, and of course, from its fantastical CEO, have a cosy and happy Christmas, and don't forget to empty the litter box.

Signed,

ChatCAT

DATELINE: BROCKVILLE

TELEGRAM: Pining for Toronto — (STOP) — Pining for random guy mansplaining and eating tacos on the TTC — (STOP) — Pestering Brockville municipal election candidates on why there aren’t any Ethiopian restaurants in town — (STOP) — Inviting all Ontarians to the River City Reading Series, Saturday, September 24, 7pm in downtown Brockville at Medium Effort Art Supplies — (STOP)— Please stop — (STOP) — No, don’t stop — (STOP) — Never stop — (STOP)

Memoir Writing With Carolyn Bennett Writer/Comic

Have you ever wanted to tell your story? CB is holding online workshops to help you discover and give literary shape to your own experience. A hefty dose of humour is encouraged. Eight weeks, eight participants, eight ways to say I love me! Have fun in a safe and inclusive space and explore your creativity and personal narrative. Contact Back Lane Studios for more information on upcoming workshops. Sponsored by the Government of Canada’s New Horizons for Seniors Program.