U.S. President Donald Trump Apologizes For Causing The World Stress

Medical Science Explains Trump’s Erratic Behaviour

In yet another stunning turn of events, U.S. President Donald Trump has issued an apology for his outrageous conduct since taking office. Speaking from the White House, the President admitted that a rare medical condition had caused him to behave in a bellicose manner.

“I am truly sorry for any pain, duress or disrespect I have caused to our allies, friends, and to the American people,” the U.S. President said. “The doctors told me I had a giant thing pressing down on my brain that caused me to act stupid.”

A medical team at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center operated on Trump for 18 hours and excised a growth the size of a large orange. Biopsy results have been inconclusive, but Chief of Surgery Herbert J. Butterworth believes the medical team can claim success. “We scraped as much of his ego out as we could. We won’t know for a while if there will be any significant cognitive impairment, but I think it’s safe to say we won’t be hearing anything more about Manifest Destiny.”

Since Trump took office, his conduct has outraged and appalled reasonable people around the world. A highly publicized meeting with Ukrainian President Vlodoymyr Zelensky, ostensibly to sign a peace deal Trump brokered, was one of many instances where the President went off the rails. “I can’t believe I treated a head of state that way,” the U.S. President said. “JD Vance and I acted like we were auditioning for Godfather Part 4. Sad. All I can say is that I’m truly sorry.”

Trump will spend some time at Mar-a-Lago reflecting on his nation’s state of affairs and how he will lead his administration to act in the best interest of all people. He admits that his amends list is quite long. “First on my amends list is our greatest ally and friend, Canada. I can’t believe I ran my mouth off the way I did. I mean, forcing myself on Canada? I thought my days of forcing myself on innocent people were behind me.”

In the meantime, doctors will be monitoring Trump’s brain for any resurgence of hubris.

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A Message From CBennettworld:

Hope for the Future 2025

Urbi et Oy vey

Happy holidays on this very special Sunday December 29, 2024, from the imaginary C-Suite at CBennettworld. We apologize for the tardiness of this annual corporate communication and extend our sincere thanks to the throngs of quarks who have zigzagged in anticipation for some end of the year bromides. Everyone, from our chatbots to our voicemail program to our self-serve kiosks to our automated delivery drivers, wish you and your family wishes for a wishful wish.

It has been a challenging year for CBennettworld. In early 2024 we fended off a fictitious hostile takeover bid from Bennettland, and a few months later we were sued by the fabricated Bennettglobal for IP infringement, which we vehemently denied, denied, denied. Carolyn Bennett Writer/Comic.blogspot accused Carolyn Bennett Writer/Comic.com of fraud, when in fact they are one in the same, albeit .com pays for a domain now. The dispute was settled by the made-up law firm of Bennett, Bennet and Benett. Nevertheless, our imaginary shareholders showed their displeasure by refusing to read any blogs that complained about small town life in Ontario.

2025 is shaping up to be an exciting year for CBennettworld. Plans for our warehouse expansion on the moon are in the final stages and we’re this close to getting inspection approval on our insulation/vapour barrier. We also have a strategy to deal with any 25% tariffs imposed by the US Entertainer in Chief on our Canadian products — we wil pivot away from the US and trade with Vulcans, Klingons and other Star Trek aliens. We feel this is an untapped illusionary market ripe for the taking. If the upcoming US government can tap into old television worlds, so can we. As our mission statement emphasizes , we are a forward-looking conglomerate. And right now, we’re looking forward at five construction cranes outside our window. Some call it soulless, we call it magic.

So in closing, we impart this message of Hope for the Future 2025: be generous and donate to causes. You’ll get a tax receipt. Volunteer to make your corner of the world a better place. And get a tax receipt. Do something selfless without reward or recognition. And be sure to get a tax receipt. A thought leader once said Go for it! Our thought leadership team has a new interpretation of that life quote -– It is there to be got! In 2025, go get that it that is there to be got -– whatever that it is for you to be got.

Until December 2025, and in closing for real, may we jump into 2025 as we would a polar plunge – exhilarated, alive, and (especially for our trading partners south of the border) with dicks shrunken in humility. We’re all in this together

Signed,

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